Starting over, a concept that up until recently has caused me great anxiety and sent me into despair. Being out here in this poo program has had me develop some new survival skills for life and has caused me to do great introspection about where I see myself in the future. There are a few things that have changed in that aspect in terms of my career trajectory and the discipline I will be choosing to study in. One thing that hasn’t changed is my zeal for black women in college. In what form I will take that on, I do not know for sure. But being hella sure about what is driving me is an accomplishment enough for me. So how am I rebuilding for real?
When I say rebuild, I mean EVERYTHING. From my stressed out edges to my credit scores. I was hiding from bill collectors like a crackhead in a BET movie hides from the dope man, for months. I’ve just stopped playing “catch me if you can” with creditors a few weeks ago with the help of meticulous budgeting and meager refund checks. So yea, I’m definitely leaving this school. There are PhD students here maxed out, or close to it, on federal loans and are in the middle of dissertating. So yea, no one at this point can convince me to stay. I will literally go home to be a bum on my mother’s couch before I stay here another semester. Unless the God I serve cracks open the sky with some new 21st century type miracle with a note attached telling me to stay, it’s not happening sis.
On another note, this rebuilding process also includes a more holistic journey of wellness in ways that I previously did not have the tools to facilitate. I’m learning life lessons for old souls at the age of 23. Having been an old soul since grade school, it’s not much of a leap. As the cliché goes, I’m here trying to piece together my purpose. I’m piecing together my plan to get through life. Racing to the finish line at every stage of my life has finally taken toll enough for me to scream inwardly to slow down. A HS diploma at 16 and a bachelor’s degree at 20 are indication enough that some real time of evaluation would serve me well. I’ve become a master of starting things I can’t finish because I’m accustomed to just starting. (Multi-tasking is not all that cute). Needless to say, a map of my life would be laced with yellow flags.
And while I regret the stress this experience has been, I don’t regret the growth. Never regret growth.